Por un Mundo sin Abuso (“For a World without Abuse”) magazine · July 2020: The terrorism of intimacy

The decalogue of abuse prevention

The prevention of child sexual abuse is a personal, family and institutional decision. In the last issue of the magazine we spoke of the need to turn the organisation into a protective context, a healthy context of mutual care and recognition. It is not possible to protect children and adolescents from any form of abuse (in particular sexual abuse) unless the adults who make up the context build a protective, healthy environment of good treatment. And this does not happen automatically: it is a decision and an action that must be sustained. Building, strengthening and defending a context of good treatment, of critical thinking, of unconditional respect for human rights is the first step in preventing child sexual abuse.

It is important to insist on this because there is a very common mistake among organisations and supposed specialists in sexual abuse whose approach is focused on holding children responsible for preventing abuse. According to them, it would be children and adolescents who must be able to notice when there is danger and when they must say no; they must be able to tell good secrets from bad ones, and likewise good caresses from bad ones. And if there are bad caresses or secrets, they must learn to say no, to shout, to run, to hit, to report. If they do not, it is because they did not learn to prevent abuse.

Well, this is an enormous mistake that only increases the feeling of guilt in those who have been victims, a guilt that is typical of the trauma of abuse. This guilt and shame –for not having said no– will weigh on the potential victim as silencing. Or as distrust in themselves and in others.

Our proposal as the Fundación para la Confianza is that trust must be precisely the key element in preventing child sexual abuse. Lucid trust. Children and adolescents have the right to an environment of trust in which they know whom to turn to when they have problems, fears or confusion. And we, as adults, have the duty to guarantee that context of lucid trust. If a child does not know whom to trust, they will blame themselves, will live in distrust of themselves, weakening their integrity, identity, protection and even their ability to learn. So, to sum up, the second law of the prevention of child sexual abuse is to strengthen relationships of lucid trust in families and institutions, where children know whom they can turn to when they are in need, in doubt or in danger.

José Andrés Murillo, philosopher, Director of the Fundación para la Confianza

To be continued in the next issue.

Abuse in the family

Paula Vergara, psychologist, technical coordinator of the care area of the Fundación para la Confianza

Every day, a person with a new story comes to our Foundation. You can see how they have made the effort to come and ask for help, after thinking about it several times. And there I find them, waiting with fear, anguish and anxiety, and with the expectation of receiving a response.

I know that their story will be flooded with pain, with some memories and a great sadness. When I begin with “Tell me, how can we support you?”, there is often a deep, contained weeping: “When I was about 6, I don’t remember well, my dad sexually abused me….” “I have never told anyone, when I was 8, my grandmother abused me….” “My older brother abused me for 10 years, I didn’t understand what was happening….” “My aunt on my mother’s side touched me every time they took me to her house….” “My cousin made me touch him, I was 11 years old.” Men, women, older adults, young people, from so many places, from different educational backgrounds, with different resources and from countless trades and professions.

But they share a traumatic story, secrets, events that have no name, have no place in the mind, and that cause a tremendous emotional impact. They have hidden it for years and I have the privilege of listening to them. A privilege, because they manage to trust someone again, another person, even though their capacity to trust has been damaged, and they try again in the encounter with me. They tell me how these experiences have affected them in their lives, in their relationships, in their affections, in their decisions, in the ideas they have of themselves and sometimes in the wish to die. Surrounded by fragmented memories, or images impossible to forget, indelible phrases, the impossibility of escaping, of understanding, and the disillusionment of many who, on speaking and opening the secret to others, met the force of denial.

As people, we naturally need and seek affection, the bond with others; that is what makes us human. Children seek this bond out of tenderness, out of love, in those who are close, among those we love and trust. So a large part of the people who have experienced sexual abuse are victims of someone from their close circle, a father, mother, uncle, cousin, brother, someone who has the affection and trust not only of the person who is abused but also of the family.

In the little room where I receive them, I listen to their accounts with all the respect I can offer, allowing us to discover that it was not their responsibility, that they were caught up in an abusive dynamic centred on the power of another person who abused genuine affection, that it is not fair to live this way, that they deserve the psychological wellbeing they are seeking, that it is their right.

Their relief on hearing that I believe them is what gives my work meaning, and their gratitude and final embrace move me; I am also grateful to witness the beginning of their recovery.

Paula Vergara, psychologist, technical coordinator of the care area of the Fundación para la Confianza

Hablemos de Todo

News from the Fundación para la Confianza

Self-care and informed decision-making to prevent risk behaviours among young people.

Risk behaviours are understood as voluntary or involuntary actions, carried out by an individual or a community, that may have harmful consequences; their causes are multiple and may be due to biopsychosocial factors. The evidence shows that they are particularly intense in adolescence (Minsal, 2019; Kranzler, Briley, Diamond, Watson, 1999).

Chile faces problems that show up as an increase in risk behaviours among the young population. This is reflected in various areas of youth development: in terms of sexual and reproductive health, the increase in risk behaviours has been significant, in particular as regards condom use in sexual relations, which has fallen by 9 points, from 49% in 2012 to 40% in 2015 (National Youth Survey, ENJ, of the National Youth Institute, INJUV, 2015).

The data warn of a growing risk of HIV and sexually transmitted infections, as well as a greater likelihood of adolescent pregnancy among young people. As regards alcohol and drug use, the data show that 12.2% of young people aged 15 to 19 engage in risky alcohol consumption, a figure that rises to 18% among young people aged 20 to 29 (National Health Survey, 2016-2017).

A similar situation is seen in cannabis use, which rose by almost 10% between 2014 and 2016 among young people aged 19 to 25 (SENDA, 2016). Another significant finding is a 50% increase in road accidents involving young people aged 15 to 29, according to the latest study published by the National Traffic Safety Commission (Conaset, 2017).

With regard to violence, it appears in different areas, such as discrimination and violence in dating relationships (pololeo). On discrimination, 36% of young people have felt discriminated against at some point in their lives (ENJ INJUV, 2015).

In addition, according to the same survey, 7% say they have been victims of some type of intimate partner violence, with psychological violence (13%) and physical violence (6%) the most reported. Along these lines, the study Amores tempranos (“Early loves: violence in dating relationships among adolescents and young people”) indicates that 53% of young people have witnessed violence in a dating relationship (Fundación Instituto de la Mujer, 2019).

• 49% to 40%condom use in sexual relations, from 2012 to 2015: it fell by 9 points
• 36%of young people have felt discriminated against at some point in their lives
• 53%of young people have witnessed violence in a dating relationship

For these reasons, INJUV, with the support of Todo Mejora and the Fundación Para la Confianza, is running the Hablemos de Todo programme, whose website provides stigma-free information on the topics most relevant to young people.

Todo Mejora is a civil society organisation dedicated to promoting the wellbeing of children and adolescents who suffer bullying and suicidal behaviour because of discrimination based on sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression and, drawing on its experience, it contributes to creating the site’s content, constantly updating the data and topics according to young people’s interests.

For its part, the Fundación Para la Confianza is responsible for developing and running the chat service, where mental health professionals respond to everyone aged 15 to 29 who consults about topics of interest to them, such as gender, sexuality, drugs, wellbeing, employment and reproductive health, among others.

Hablemos de Todo is the result of the State and society joining forces to promote the wellbeing of young people through education and immediate care.

“The help and support given by the Fundación Para la Confianza in this case has been vital, in wanting to join the project, to be part of this challenge; a challenge that is undoubtedly very important for the whole country, since young people’s access to mental health care is very difficult, often very expensive, so all the issues of suicidal ideation, bullying, cyberbullying, violence in dating relationships, stress, anxiety in this time of pandemic, anguish too, sometimes they have no one to talk to about them, and the launch of this platform, with experts on the subject who know how to deal with them, I believe opens a door and a great opportunity for young Chileans to feel supported in one way or another, to feel heard, to feel that they have a space where they can talk about what they feel, without any prejudice and with a big pair of ears that can hold them and help them at the moments when they need it most.”

María Asunción Cekalovic, Acting National Director of the National Youth Institute (INJUV)

Violence against children and adolescents: a deep-rooted practice

News from the Fundación para la Confianza

Camila was a year and a half old when her father died in an accident. Her memories are vague, but she tells her story like this: “When that happened my mum stopped looking after us and started drinking a lot and taking drugs. My brother took charge of me and stole chickens so that we would have something to eat.”

She has not forgotten the chicken soup and the cold, although almost two decades have passed and her life now has nothing to do with what she lived through in her first years. Neglect and mistreatment were the only way of living Camila knew until someone intervened: a neighbour reported her mother to the authorities. “I think it was because they saw that my mum left us sleeping outdoors at night, in all the cold,” she says.

Carabineros (Chile’s national uniformed police) came to the house where they lived with their mother and took her and her brother to a residence of the Servicio Nacional de Menores (Sename), Chile’s national child protection service. Like Camila, every year thousands of children and adolescents enter the Sename network because they are victims of violence. According to UNICEF, seven out of ten children in Chile have suffered physical or psychological violence from their parents or relatives, because it is regarded as an “educational” tool.

At the same time, Chile owes a great debt to children, as the only country in Latin America without a Law on Guarantees and Comprehensive Protection of the Rights of Children and Adolescents, a legal framework that, besides ensuring more dignified lives, would focus not only on repairing violations of rights but on preventing these situations.

In its latest Statistical Yearbook, Sename reports that in 2018, of a total of 128,674 children and adolescents who entered the outpatient care line, 79,778 did so because of mistreatment or neglect. Likewise, in the area of Alternative Care –which takes in fewer than 10% of the children in the network– the reasons for entry are the same.

Camila entered a Sename residence 20 years ago and left the network after coming of age. Despite the attempts, re-establishing her relationship with her mother did not have the hoped-for result. Have things changed in these two decades?

The truth is that although the number of residences in the network has fallen and other lines of action, such as outpatient programmes and foster families, have been prioritised, every year more children and adolescents are referred by the family courts with some protection measure. This increase is because Sename now has more places and programmes to care for victims of violence; however, it is still not enough, since by December 2018 the waiting list had reached almost 13,000.

• 7 in 10children in Chile have suffered physical or psychological violence from their parents or relatives (UNICEF)
• 79,778of the 128,674 children and adolescents who entered Sename’s outpatient line in 2018 did so because of mistreatment or neglect
• nearly 13,000on the waiting list in December 2018

With the pandemic the situation is projected to get worse: the United Nations (UN) warned that lockdown around the world increases the exposure of children and adolescents to violence and sexual abuse, as well as to sale, trafficking and sexual exploitation. At the same time, the courts have reduced referrals or, worse still, since these are directed to specific programmes practically “blindly” by judges who do not have sufficient up-to-date information, there is no real certainty about how the State will respond to the growing demand for care.

The Terrorism of Intimacy

Current affairs

Terrorism is a threat to the most basic stability of a country. These are acts of violence that put at risk the fundamental structures of security that allow a country to function in a healthy way. There is a similarity with what happens to a person who is a victim of violence in the home. Intrafamily or domestic violence, which includes psychological, sexual, physical or economic abuse, is a blow to the very structure of a person, because it occurs precisely where the most stable security and care should be found: the home, the intimate relationship. That is why some call it, precisely, the terrorism of intimacy¹.

Research on the profound traumatic consequences it has for victims allows us to speak directly of the terrorism of intimacy. The global prevalence estimated by the WHO is 30%, making it the most widespread form of violence in the world².

The terrorism of intimacy is a blow to the heart of a human being’s existential stability. It is the establishment of a kind of private dictatorship³ that deprives the victim –the partner, the sons or daughters– of their individuality, damages their subjectivity, destroys their self-esteem, their identity and even their dignity.

The emotional climate in which victims live moves between fear, shame and guilt. The traumatic consequences can be irreversible, even though they often carry this situation in silence. Panic attacks, post-traumatic stress, suicidal ideation, self-harm, substance abuse and depression have been established by hundreds of studies. We know that the terrorism of intimacy is nothing new. It is atavistic and seemed a determination of nature, a sentence that millions of women, for the sole fact of being women, were condemned to suffer. In recent decades society has begun to problematise this apparent determination, to question it and to look for the means needed to fight it.

The pandemic, the quarantine, the lockdown are the worst context for the terrorism of intimacy. Violence increases as much as the opportunities to ask for help, to escape the terror thanks to work, school, the street, distractions, diminish.

No, violence is not normal, psychological, sexual and physical abuse is not normal, nor is subjugation in the home.

Breaking with the tradition of violence and the terrorism of intimacy requires looking this violence in the face, recognising it in order to strip it of its natural, normal character. No, violence is not normal, psychological, sexual and physical abuse is not normal, nor is subjugation in the home. The home, the family, however it is constituted, must be a refuge, a space of care, respect and recognition. A place where we all recover our strength, not where we are eliminated. We will keep fighting as the Fundación para la Confianza until we achieve it.

1. William G. Herron and Rafael Art. Javier, “A Look at Domestic Violence through the Trauma Lens” in Understanding Domestic Violence. Theories, Challenges, and Remedies (edited by Rafael Art. Javier and William G. Herron). Rowman & Littlefield, USA, 2018.
2. World Health Organization [WHO] (2013). Responding to Intimate Partner Violence and Sexual Violence against Women: WHO Clinical and Policy Guidelines. Geneva: World Health Organization.
3. Gina Troisi, “Measuring Intimate Partner Violence and Traumatic Affect: Development of VITA, an Italian Scale” in Frontiers in psychology, 2018.

The risk of online harassment of children rises during lockdown

Current affairs

During this period of lockdown, the number of reported cases of grooming has risen considerably worldwide. This is because girls, boys and adolescents spend more hours on social media and in online games, and are therefore more exposed to this kind of violation of their rights.

With the Covid-19 pandemic and quarantine as the only solution, digital interactions of every kind increased. Remote working, online shopping and video calls, among others, have been the way people have found to keep social distancing from turning into isolation. However, according to Luis Orellana, sub-prefect and head of the Cybercrime Brigade of the PDI (Investigations Police of Chile), in La Tercera: “The more people are connected and the more transactions there are on the web, the riskier our browsing is.”

For this reason, the European Union Agency for Law Enforcement Cooperation (Europol) has warned of a record number of cyber-attacks, including grooming. In this regard, Cristián González, deputy head of the Cybercrime Brigade, says that there has been no major increase in reports, but that this does not mean it is not happening, because children and adolescents have considerably increased their use of platforms such as TikTok and online games.

In that vein, Orellana, in another interview on the subject on CNN Chile, gives the following recommendations: do not let children go to sleep with a phone; avoid having them alone in some place in the house with a technological device; set an example and do not be connected all day; do not have open profiles; and build bonds of trust with children, in case they are victims of abuse.

On this last point, the psychologist of Línea Libre (the Foundation’s helpline for children and young people) advises: “let us strengthen trust with children and adolescents and accompany them, because if we create spaces for listening and reflection it is more likely that they will be able to come to us again so that we can protect them, or to keep a safe space in which they can ask their questions. So that they are not afraid or guilty when they tell us, and we manage to position ourselves as a network of support, backing and action in the face of such a harmful practice as grooming.”

How can we tell whether it is violence?

Tips · Línea Libre · “A lot happens in our homes”

• Psychological violenceIt consists of any action that we feel degrades us as people, or that tries to control our actions or decisions. It can show itself, for example, as humiliation, restriction, manipulation or isolation, any action that causes you emotional harm and damages your personal development.
• Gender-based violenceIt is the kind that carries stereotypes, messages, values or signs that convey and encourage the repetition of relationships based on inequality, machismo, discrimination or the naturalisation of any role of subordination of women in our spaces. That there are household chores assigned only to women is, in short, violence.
• Physical violenceAny action that causes physical harm or suffering and affects a person’s integrity: bruises, wounds, burns and even a shove is physical violence, and we must never let it pass with excuses.
• Economic violenceIn the family setting, it covers any action that affects or prevents adequately meeting the economic needs of the family (or of any of the people who live in the home). It also covers all acts that damage, lose, remove, destroy or take possession of objects or property in order to exert control over another person.
• Sexual violenceAny action that threatens or violates the right to decide about your sexuality, covering any form of sexual contact. Sexual violence is not limited to forcing someone against their will, but includes any kind of harassment, abuse or intimidation, regardless of whether it happens within a relationship, in the home or online.
• CyberbullyingIn cyberbullying, the internet and social media are often used to publish information about a person or group of people in order to ridicule or humiliate them. Exposing other people’s intimate and private matters online is also violence.